I get lost in instrumental music

Amazing.

I'm moving again on Sunday. Tomorrow is my only day off (aside from Christmas) 'til then, so I plan on packing up most of my room. I'm hoping to also head to my storage unit and grab some boxes to go through, but we'll see what time permits. I'm crossing my fingers that this will be the last time I move until September/October '10.

I feel lonely a lot lately.

Spring '10 classes

-Mondays: 830am-250pm Design of the Built Environment A
(soooo excited to have an actual design class after 2 semesters without one)
-Wednesdays: 12pm-620pm Building Construction
(ughhhdsdjsdkskdsd. more drafting...)
-Thursdays: 12pm-620pm Color Rendering Techniques
(have a feeling this will kick my ass, but I'm excited to improve my rendering skills)
-Online: Narrative Storytelling
(SO EXCITED!)

I have 3 six hour classes! D: Last Spring, I had 2 six hour classes and wanted to kill myself! Hahaha hopefully since I won't be in the dorms, and not going through such weird shit, I'll be able to handle it a lot better.

Well...

The only way I can forgive you is if you apologize (and talk to me) first. Jussayin'.

are you alright, can you get me off your mind?

Words cannot express how much I love this cover. I think it's a hundred times better than the original. Dan's vocals with Tegan's in the background sound so great together. I kind of wish they could do a side project, I would be all over that.

I have this vision, which I know sounds dumb, of how I want my social life to be. But everything is keeping me from letting it happen. There are so many words I want to (and possibly NEED to) say, but I have very little trust left inside of me. Sad thing is, no one I currently talk to did anything to not have my trust. I'm fighting to overcome it, but it's so hard. I was ripped open and read like a book, quite literally. It's pretty tough to try and get back up from that one. Little by little. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

On missing friends:

I am sitting alone in my apartment right now.. and I miss everyone. Everyone. I miss people I don't even like. I miss a friend who is only going to be gone for a couple of days. I miss old best friends. I miss a girl who still has a bit of my heart even after these past few years. I miss a specific person's laugh, and how when I heard it the other night... I remembered all those silly little jokes we had.

I am so surprised that it's still so, so hard for me to let go of things. My whole life, all I've done is grow apart from old friends, move away, push myself away.. and yet, I still cannot handle it when it happens. I always react the same way too, like I don't care. Usually at the time, I don't care... but months later it hits me. I am reminded of the way things used to be before friendships changed. I am reminded of why they were such a big part of my life to begin with. It's so hard to accept that sometimes things do change in the blink of an eye.

I do miss a lot, yes. But I do not wish to ever go back in time, or lose what I have now. I am so unbelievably thankful for the friends I have right now, and I hope I continue to work at them, and keep them going for as long as humanly possible. Hands down, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. November has been such a great month, and I only hope it continues. I firmly believe that all of the shitty stuff that has been happening in '09 is all for good reason; I am being challenged regularly because of it. I will not let any of it keep me down, though.

Half Sleeve

I want to start my half sleeve so bad! I'm starting to get ansy just thinking about it. So far, I know I want to start it off with the Starry Night sky on my shoulder bone, and I want it to wrap around to a bit of the back and front of my shoulder. Other ideas I know I want to incorporate: a sugar skull, a cupcake, and a curvy pinup girl. I'd also like to get a matching tattoo with my brothers incorporated into it... assuming they would be down for that. Oooooh, and I kind of want to think of a small little image for each good friend (who has made an impact on me). I have so many ideas that I've started a 'HALF SLEEVE INSPO' folder to collect images on my laptop.

I love talking about tattoos in general. Last night, I scoured the internet helping Zena find an image of a mermaid that she liked, and we discussed placement, etc. And then this morning, Rachel and I were talking about our sleeves. She wants a full sleeve full of a lot of text, which I'm super curious to see how that turns out once she starts it and adds to it. I'm excited to see my friend's bodies fill up with ink, as well as my own.

My body is my temple, which is why I desecrate it with art.

fuck yeah

“ Because being a hot fat girl is a lot of work and is undervalued or unrecognized.
Because a fat girl still has to pay more money for uglier clothes or spend 11 hours at the thrift store to find anything hot to wear.
Because if you take the elevator people think you’re lazy but if you’re on the treadmill people laugh.
Because men like John Goodman and Bernie Mac get to have careers on television but sitcom moms of three still have size-two waists.
Because even feminist magazines publish fat-phobic articles under the guise of it being a “health issue.”
Because anti-capitalist activists still use expressions like “fat capitalist pig.”
Because girls are dieting at the age of nine.
Because side effects of the most popular diet drugs are seizures, heart failure, fecal urgency, breast cancer, lung disease, insomnia, nausea and vomiting, dangerously high blood pressure, abnormal heartbeat, psychosis, strokes, hallucinations and sudden death.
Because the Cooper Institute’s ongoing study of 30,000 people has found that those who are fittest live the longest, no matter what they weigh.
Because the doctor who said that there were 30,000 “obesity-related” deaths each year received over $2 million in research funding from Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers.
Because that study prompted the FDA to approve Phen-Phen and Redux.
Because fat hatred is a money-making industry.
Because fat people who exercise live longer than thin people who don’t.
Because if you lose weight ’cause you’re sick people tell you how great you look.
Because hatred is so ingrained in every single one of us, especially inside the heart of even the hottest fat girl.
Because even the most progressive people don’t talk or write about it.
Because I am tired of being ignored, invisible, de-sexualized and told that I have such a pretty face.
Because it’s not fat that kills, it’s fear of fat.
For all that and more I am a part of the HOT FAT GIRL REVOLUTION!

-The Hot Fat Girl Manifesto by Zoe Whittall

Things you would never guess about me:

1. I'm a bit scared of touching people, or being too close to them, physically. I rarely am the first to give hugs for this reason. (This doesn't apply to people I've known a while, though)
2. I have this weird habit of making fun of my friend's traits that I really love.
3. I am anal retentive about a lot of things, I just don't always choose to say something about it. Color and Design has been fun/easy because of this.
4. I have no need to put on deodarent daily.. my pits don't sweat much at all.
5. I am a hopeless romantic, but I don't use the word love lightly.
6. I have a really bad temper but I know how to handle it extremely well.
7. My worst habit is biting my lips. I've done it for so long now. My mom used to tell me when I was little that it would make my lips big (hoping I would stop). So, I did it more. And now, it's just second nature for me.
8. There is a lot that I don't tell people. I give out little bits of information here and there. Getting to know me is a process, I guess.
9. I am extremely observant and pay attention to nearly everything.
10. I can tell you a lot about a person's personality with 20 minutes of meeting/talking with them.

I'm gonna wait 'til the sun chases the moon away

I've already found a place to live come January! I'm so excited. Ever since my first move up here to SF, I have minimized my belongings tremendously. And I plan on minimizing it even more before I move out of Kevin's. I'm selling all of my furniture, except for my desk and mattress. I'm also strongly considering getting rid of most of my movies. At the very least, I will put my movies back in the cd case they were in, and throw out all of the cases. I think I'm going to do the same with the few cd's I have left. I just really don't need any more boxes to be lugging around the bay area.

My friends and I are planning a trip to Montreal over spring break. Rather than spend my first paycheck on Tegan and Sara tickets.. I'm going to save it for the nearly $700 plane tickets. I just think it would be an amazing experience to have. If Montreal proves to be too expensive (since it's on the east coast), we're going to Vancouver. I really hope we can do Montreal though, 'cus it's near Vermont.. and Nina said she would meet us there. So far, there are about 5 girls saying they're going for sure, and two on the 'maybe' list. This means I have to renew my passport NOW.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I really, really hope I don't have to spend it alone. I think at this point, no matter what my work schedule is, I will find time to commute to Rachel's and have a dinner with everyone. I know I will feel like shit if I'm just sitting alone in Kevin's apartment. I'm excited for stuffing, though! I'm assuming I'll eat some.. somehow. Christmas is nearing, and the city is preparing for it. There are already decorations along Market, and the Christmas tree is up in Union Square. I can't wait 'til they set up the ice rink so I can go skating! I love the feeling of Christmas.. if only it snowed here.

I'm also starting to write for the next issue of my zine. I made a few copies (of my last issue) the other day to send out for trades, and I can't wait to "update" my readers with my life. It's so funny to read my last issue and think of exactly how much has changed. I think overall, I have grown a lot in the past few months. I've realized many, many things about myself that I guess I was sort of oblivious to before.

hear me roar

I really wish I could double major in Women's Studies! Too bad my school is strictly art related. Although, I'm going to try and take a course at the local community college over summer. I hear so many things about women's studies majors, I'm just curious to go check it out for myself. Rachel said, "No, don't do it! If you turn into a crazy feminist.. I will not be friends with you!" Love all the support ;)

I have been thinking a lot about gender and sexuality issues lately. I had this pretty intense talk with Rachel about my own sexuality, today. I talked about how disgusted I am with the bi-phobia I see and hear regularly. And honestly, I don't even feel like bisexual is a word that accurately describes me in any way. I use it as a simple way of saying, "Hey I like chicks and dudes." But even then, it's nowhere near simple. I dislike that my sexual orientation is brought up almost every time I meet someone new. I guess that's because I hang out with nothing but lesbians/queers.. and since I don't "look gay" they feel the need to ask. We also chatted about since most of my friends are out and loud about their sexuality.. they don't understand why I am not so loud about it. I have no problem with being out, and I will tell anyone that asks.. I just don't like it being the topic of conversation. If that makes sense.

I have been playing around with my options lately. I have been questioning everything that has been put in front of my eyes, to see. There is a lot going on in my mind lately, and no one has really taken the time to ask about it. I've been asking so many questions, to try and gather more information about people as a whole. I've always been so into individualizing things, and separating my ideas from the norm... but for once, I want to explore the 'norm' and see if it's what it's all cracked up to be. I'm addicted to new knowledge about topics that my family nor my friends discuss much. I'm really enjoying myself.

I am a woman, hear me roar.

once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand

I have a fear of fat-phobia. Seriously. It bothers and offends me to no end when others are afraid of overweight people. It worries me that even a good friend of mine can make such an obscene statement as, "oh no, she's ruined... she's fat!" and points to a girl who is probably a size 8 at the biggest. It makes me wonder what she, or others who feel the same, think about me. But I don't care what they, you, her, or him think.

You know, it's not even about being overweight. Some women are just naturally big. I can attest to this myself.. considering all my life I have always been "the fat girl" even though I didn't actually start becoming fat until junior year of high school. I have a round face, I have wide hips, I have thicker thighs... this does not make me 'fat'. Even if I was a size 8, I would still have all of these qualities, it is who I am... how I was built. I love my body's shape, and the curves I have. Sure, I have fat and I am overweight.. and I dislike it. However, it doesn't stop me from loving myself any less. But it's a bit rough when everyone else is trying to use it as an excuse to love me less.

I'm not trying to sound like a victim, because I'm not. There isn't a bone in my body that feels victimized.. because I am the only one in control of how I feel about myself. I just wish society didn't push such strict body image ideals into our brains. I'd really love to work with young girls, and teach them about having self-confidence that doesn't reflect upon what others think of them. There are too many surgeries that occur trying to sculpt the "perfect" body. There are too many girls starving themselves (or regurgitating) just to be 'thin'.

While physical attraction is definitely always the first thing you notice about a person, I don't think it should be such an important factor on what you think about the person. Most of the people I have ever had 'crushes' on were not people I immediately felt attracted to. I am sincerely more interested in a person's personality than anything else. I wish more people my age felt the same!

Overall, I think people also need to learn to find more beauty within themselves. A person's personality has more to it than their skin color, hair, eye color, height, weight, or their style of clothing. There is more depth to a human being than anything your own eye can see. As you age, your body is constantly changing.. and no one is ever promised the same looks. Would you still love someone if their body was burnt entirely in a freak accident?

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand"- The Velveteen Rabbit

So, I've been thinking about the idea of normal, and what's natural. I just don't see how either can have a true definition. I'm so tired of hearing people's reasoning behind their beliefs. Well, not tired.. 'cus I still enjoy hearing it, but it's all the same. I don't understand why anyone would ever have the desire to fit into a cookie cutter mold of, anything. I don't want to be your poster girl. All I'm really interested in is being me, all of the time. I'm sure, deep down, that is everyone's desire. But sometimes I wonder how hard people try to really discover who they are.

would you become my queen?

“Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important onces. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to… No matter how it comes out, I have to write it.” - Sylvia Plath

I write to get ideas, feelings, observations off my chest, and to try and make sense of them. I don't expect anyone to ever understand what I'm trying to convey, cus really.. I'm the only one who could truly understand. I exaggerate, a lot, in my writing. I also usually don't make sense, or express exactly what I'm trying to say. But I don't think that's anyone's place to really judge. I don't write for you, I write for me. I let you read it, because I want you to gain a different understanding of who I am. I am always changing, and you should never expect something I wrote a week ago to be exactly the same now. I am letting you in, and you have no right to punish me for that.

I am constantly crumbling, and building myself back up lately. My heart feels like playdoh. Honestly, I really enjoy the feeling. I am constantly on my toes. My heart has been playing games with my head lately, but I also don't mind this. I'm just confused about a lot in my life right now. I expect this is a normal feeling for someone my age. The only thing I am certain of.. is my career path. I've been joking around with Zena, saying, "forget interior design, I'll just become your assistant" (she's a photography major). I've been helping her every now and then with her shoots, and it's actually pretty fun. Definitely not as fun as interior design, though.

I miss my family. I'm scared to spend 2 major holidays away from ALL of them. Just typing that out is making me tear up. I can't wait 'til things settle down around here and I can take a trip to Kansas City.

I really, really just want to meet someone "special". I hate that saying, but you know.

book review: Leftovers by Laura Weiss

i've been wanting to read this book for a couple of years now. i finally got my hands on a copy a few months ago from paperbackswap. lately, i've had no intentions of reading it... but after a failed attempt at going to lovEvolution in SF, i was home alone in an apartment that was not my own. so i looked through the books available to me and found this. i read most of the book's 256 pages in one day.

the back of the book reads, "Blair and Ardith are best friends who have committed an unforgivable act in the name of love and justice. But in order to understand what could drive two young women to such extreme measures, first you'll have to understand why. You'll have to listen as they describe parents who are alternately absent and smothering, classmates who mock and shun anyone different, and young men who are allowed to hurt and dominate without consequence. You will have to learn what it's like to be a teenage girl who locks her bedroom door at night, who has been written off by the adults around her as damaged goods. A girl who has no one to trust except the one person she's forbidden to see. You'll have to understand what it's really like to be forgotten and abandoned in America today. Are you ready?"

i was ready. and i was pretty into the storyline through most of the novel. i really enjoyed the way the story was written where the girls told their story to someone (though not the reader). typically, the girls both change as the plot moves forward. i think once the girls really began to change is when i started to dislike the story. i think most people may enjoy this book because it speaks to the teenagers in america today, or whatever. but i'm so tired of storylines like this, where girls are helpless and/or when they do take charge of their own life they do something STUPID. yes, the caps is necessary.

i'm no good at reviewing books, but overall i disliked the book. i actually came close to throwing it across the room once i finished it. i felt sick by what the story resulted in, and was mad that this shit was supposed to represent a large group of people. for once, i'd love to read a book where a teenager just learns to suck it up, and cope with emotions in a healthy way! hell, maybe i just missed the point of the whole novel. who knows. either way, i am not giving weiss' other novel a try.

2/5 stars.

currently loving:

- the commute for school (surprisingly)
- rachel and zena's new apartment/duplex
- the anticipation for tegan and sara's new album
- having a lock on my door
- cute andro eye-candy in my color and design class
- chevelle (i think every year i go through an "omg, i love chevelle" phase.)
- the idea of my new tattoo/starting my half sleeve
- being utterly happy despite everything that has happened
- my class schedule this semester (one class a day, two days a week.. and some online courses)
- my industrial is completely healed. like completely, completely. ha.
- possibly getting my nose pierced?

i feel an incredible change brewing. i can't express how excited i am about life right now. i am so amped for my parents and brother and their new journey to kansas city. as sad as i was at first, i'm just so unbelievably happy for them now. they leave tomorrowwwww! i'm also thrilled to have met rachel and zena's new roommate, grace. we talked for a bit while rachel and zena were out, and she seems so awesome. i love that their apartment is going to be like a second home for me. a lot of stressful shit has happened in the last month.. beginning with the bullshit from a 'friend' and ending with me driving kevin's car around the corner (literally) and taking a turn too soon and fucking up 2 of his rims and tires. but it's officially october, and i think i'm ready for anything at this point.

let's call it change.

i have never moved/packed so much as i have in the past year. i'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow. part of me is excited simply because i'm going to have my own room. another part is going to miss living in the city. especially my nightly walks with the skyscrapers guiding me home. i won't be 3 blocks from my thinking spot in the embarcadero anymore, but it's all going to work out for the best. i'll be in the city at the beginning of each week, and i even have a second home here. i'll also be saving money!

i started watching the new season of the biggest loser. there is a girl on there who reminds me of myself.. she is also roughly around my own weight, and has a similar body shape. she also used to play sports, and says she feels like everyone tells her, "you're so pretty, but ......" as cheesy as this sounds, i want to use her journey on the show as inspiration to help me continue to lose weight. i have lost quite a bit of weight since '09 started.. it just keeps being redistributed oddly, so it doesn't actually look like it. all of my pants fit looser, my peacoat that wouldn't button all the way can now button! the scale says i've lost 25 pounds, roughly. the number seems bigger than what it actually feels like, but i wouldn't doubt if i've gained a lot of muscle because of all this walking i've done over summer.

fuck yeah, fall!

why should i have to try and fix things i didn't create or contrive?

i am a huge nerd. today, while walking home from my color and design class i started listening to the rocket summer. it's been a while since i've listened to him (them?), but i still feel so happy/cheery when i hear bryce singing. after writing this on my hand, i proceeded to "decorate" zena's box of cigarettes by coloring it completely black and drawing an outfit on the camel. i love simple pleasures.

i have been completely overwhelmed with stress, and it feels good to chill at rachel and zena's place without having to worry about doing homework, packing, or anything.. really. their cat just made us all laugh hysterically. qt'z.

marbles -- bushy wushy, joe, marbs -- 1994-2009

i can't fathom the idea of going to kansas city for christmas and staying in a new home... without marbles. i never imagined it would hurt this bad when he died. i swear to god, it feels like i lost a brother. all i've done all day is medicate my headaches that i keep getting from crying, and looking at pictures of him. if that's not 'emo' i don't know what is. and i think it sucks even more 'cus i haven't seen him since march. it's hard not to be so attached to a cat i've had since i was five.

a new start, for a new mindset

i deleted all of my entries. i wanted to avoid ever having to do that.. but i kind of set myself up for it. all of my entries since april.. gone. no backup, no going back.

i'm so unbelievably glad i did it, though. i'm starting new, and changing the way things work here. my first year of being in san francisco has been a fucking whirlwind. it started out slow, but gained so much momentum that i didn't know how to handle it. and now, it's died down and left it's mess here. don't confuse the issue, though.. I am not the mess, just the situation. but i've let go of it, i've set it free. i have no desire to hold onto dead things.

i'm so glad to be leaving the city. as much as it will suck to have to commute via bart to get here for school, and the few friends i have.. it's going to be worth it, mentally. i need the escape. there is so much i need to do for myself. i'm hoping this semester is as challenging as i think it will be. i want to pour my heart, soul, and energy into it. i want to explore myself more. feminism is something i definitely am going to be reading up on. ah, feminism. for the longest time, i associated feminism with those radical women who were man-hating, angry, and hairy. because they seem to be the picture on the cereal box for feminists. at least, in my life they were. but oh my god... i am such a feminist! that sentence sounds so trite. anyway, i fucking love being a woman. and honestly, i dig the challenges women have to face because of their sex. however, what i don't dig is the unrealistic body image ideals that society puts on today's women. a lot of my self-image has changed completely because of these ideals. i used to think that bigger boobs meant being sexier. HA! i used to cry thinking about how i can't find a belt because my hips are so wide. but fuck it man, i joke about that all the time now. not to say i want to stay overweight merely for the pleasure of saying my hips are HUGE. but, i know i have to do something to change it (which i am), and until then, i might as well accept that my buttcrack will be making a lot of guest appearances in your day.

belt, or no belt, i really appreciate the woman that i am. i find strength in knowing that i don't need a significant other to define my own happiness. i don't need to make out with a ton of people just to feel like i am 'wanted'. i probably have the least amount of "experience" in that field than anyone i know. i. don't. fucking. care. so, shoot me. i have my education... my mind to worry about right now. i'm growing into "adult kelley" and i need to take care of her, give her water to let her grow. i joked around with sascha the other night that i was going to email my parents and brothers to sarcastically thank them for preparing me for my teenage years. so much, in fact, that i have done only like 25% of what most teenagers have (sex, drugs and rock 'n roll). it doesn't really bother me, because i am confident in all of the decisions i have made up until now.. but it's just funny to think about. i think it should prove to my parents that i really do listen, even if my immediate actions don't prove it.

i feel good about the general parts of me, but i want to work on the details. i need to work on my political opinions. i hate talking about politics, but i guess it's a part of being a grown up, haha. i have my opinions already, but i want to be more confident in my reasons for believing what i do. i need to work on spreading the idea of self-love to more girls and women, no matter what their age. i'm shunning the excuse of, "it's because i'm fat" from my mind. i want to learn more, and soak up everything i can. someday, i want to be trilingual.. maybe even quadlingual (is that how you say it?). i think most importantly, i want to learn how to express my feelings for family and friends. i leave so much unsaid sometimes, and it's unfortunate. i see the best in people, but i don't always express it to them. i feel like i let myself ramble, and that nothing is actually concluded with this. maybe next time...

"i am a rock, i am an iiiiiiisland." sing it, simon and garfunkel.