i deleted all of my entries. i wanted to avoid ever having to do that.. but i kind of set myself up for it. all of my entries since april.. gone. no backup, no going back.
i'm so unbelievably glad i did it, though. i'm starting new, and changing the way things work here. my first year of being in san francisco has been a fucking whirlwind. it started out slow, but gained so much momentum that i didn't know how to handle it. and now, it's died down and left it's mess here. don't confuse the issue, though.. I am not the mess, just the situation. but i've let go of it, i've set it free. i have no desire to hold onto dead things.
i'm so glad to be leaving the city. as much as it will suck to have to commute via bart to get here for school, and the few friends i have.. it's going to be worth it, mentally. i need the escape. there is so much i need to do for myself. i'm hoping this semester is as challenging as i think it will be. i want to pour my heart, soul, and energy into it. i want to explore myself more. feminism is something i definitely am going to be reading up on. ah, feminism. for the longest time, i associated feminism with those radical women who were man-hating, angry, and hairy. because they seem to be the picture on the cereal box for feminists. at least, in my life they were. but oh my god... i am such a feminist! that sentence sounds so trite. anyway, i fucking love being a woman. and honestly, i dig the challenges women have to face because of their sex. however, what i don't dig is the unrealistic body image ideals that society puts on today's women. a lot of my self-image has changed completely because of these ideals. i used to think that bigger boobs meant being sexier. HA! i used to cry thinking about how i can't find a belt because my hips are so wide. but fuck it man, i joke about that all the time now. not to say i want to stay overweight merely for the pleasure of saying my hips are HUGE. but, i know i have to do something to change it (which i am), and until then, i might as well accept that my buttcrack will be making a lot of guest appearances in your day.
belt, or no belt, i really appreciate the woman that i am. i find strength in knowing that i don't need a significant other to define my own happiness. i don't need to make out with a ton of people just to feel like i am 'wanted'. i probably have the least amount of "experience" in that field than anyone i know. i. don't. fucking. care. so, shoot me. i have my education... my mind to worry about right now. i'm growing into "adult kelley" and i need to take care of her, give her water to let her grow. i joked around with sascha the other night that i was going to email my parents and brothers to sarcastically thank them for preparing me for my teenage years. so much, in fact, that i have done only like 25% of what most teenagers have (sex, drugs and rock 'n roll). it doesn't really bother me, because i am confident in all of the decisions i have made up until now.. but it's just funny to think about. i think it should prove to my parents that i really do listen, even if my immediate actions don't prove it.
i feel good about the general parts of me, but i want to work on the details. i need to work on my political opinions. i hate talking about politics, but i guess it's a part of being a grown up, haha. i have my opinions already, but i want to be more confident in my reasons for believing what i do. i need to work on spreading the idea of self-love to more girls and women, no matter what their age. i'm shunning the excuse of, "it's because i'm fat" from my mind. i want to learn more, and soak up everything i can. someday, i want to be trilingual.. maybe even quadlingual (is that how you say it?). i think most importantly, i want to learn how to express my feelings for family and friends. i leave so much unsaid sometimes, and it's unfortunate. i see the best in people, but i don't always express it to them. i feel like i let myself ramble, and that nothing is actually concluded with this. maybe next time...
"i am a rock, i am an iiiiiiisland." sing it, simon and garfunkel.
i have never moved/packed so much as i have in the past year. i'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow. part of me is excited simply because i'm going to have my own room. another part is going to miss living in the city. especially my nightly walks with the skyscrapers guiding me home. i won't be 3 blocks from my thinking spot in the embarcadero anymore, but it's all going to work out for the best. i'll be in the city at the beginning of each week, and i even have a second home here. i'll also be saving money!
