once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand

I have a fear of fat-phobia. Seriously. It bothers and offends me to no end when others are afraid of overweight people. It worries me that even a good friend of mine can make such an obscene statement as, "oh no, she's ruined... she's fat!" and points to a girl who is probably a size 8 at the biggest. It makes me wonder what she, or others who feel the same, think about me. But I don't care what they, you, her, or him think.

You know, it's not even about being overweight. Some women are just naturally big. I can attest to this myself.. considering all my life I have always been "the fat girl" even though I didn't actually start becoming fat until junior year of high school. I have a round face, I have wide hips, I have thicker thighs... this does not make me 'fat'. Even if I was a size 8, I would still have all of these qualities, it is who I am... how I was built. I love my body's shape, and the curves I have. Sure, I have fat and I am overweight.. and I dislike it. However, it doesn't stop me from loving myself any less. But it's a bit rough when everyone else is trying to use it as an excuse to love me less.

I'm not trying to sound like a victim, because I'm not. There isn't a bone in my body that feels victimized.. because I am the only one in control of how I feel about myself. I just wish society didn't push such strict body image ideals into our brains. I'd really love to work with young girls, and teach them about having self-confidence that doesn't reflect upon what others think of them. There are too many surgeries that occur trying to sculpt the "perfect" body. There are too many girls starving themselves (or regurgitating) just to be 'thin'.

While physical attraction is definitely always the first thing you notice about a person, I don't think it should be such an important factor on what you think about the person. Most of the people I have ever had 'crushes' on were not people I immediately felt attracted to. I am sincerely more interested in a person's personality than anything else. I wish more people my age felt the same!

Overall, I think people also need to learn to find more beauty within themselves. A person's personality has more to it than their skin color, hair, eye color, height, weight, or their style of clothing. There is more depth to a human being than anything your own eye can see. As you age, your body is constantly changing.. and no one is ever promised the same looks. Would you still love someone if their body was burnt entirely in a freak accident?

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand"- The Velveteen Rabbit

So, I've been thinking about the idea of normal, and what's natural. I just don't see how either can have a true definition. I'm so tired of hearing people's reasoning behind their beliefs. Well, not tired.. 'cus I still enjoy hearing it, but it's all the same. I don't understand why anyone would ever have the desire to fit into a cookie cutter mold of, anything. I don't want to be your poster girl. All I'm really interested in is being me, all of the time. I'm sure, deep down, that is everyone's desire. But sometimes I wonder how hard people try to really discover who they are.

would you become my queen?

“Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important onces. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to… No matter how it comes out, I have to write it.” - Sylvia Plath

I write to get ideas, feelings, observations off my chest, and to try and make sense of them. I don't expect anyone to ever understand what I'm trying to convey, cus really.. I'm the only one who could truly understand. I exaggerate, a lot, in my writing. I also usually don't make sense, or express exactly what I'm trying to say. But I don't think that's anyone's place to really judge. I don't write for you, I write for me. I let you read it, because I want you to gain a different understanding of who I am. I am always changing, and you should never expect something I wrote a week ago to be exactly the same now. I am letting you in, and you have no right to punish me for that.

I am constantly crumbling, and building myself back up lately. My heart feels like playdoh. Honestly, I really enjoy the feeling. I am constantly on my toes. My heart has been playing games with my head lately, but I also don't mind this. I'm just confused about a lot in my life right now. I expect this is a normal feeling for someone my age. The only thing I am certain of.. is my career path. I've been joking around with Zena, saying, "forget interior design, I'll just become your assistant" (she's a photography major). I've been helping her every now and then with her shoots, and it's actually pretty fun. Definitely not as fun as interior design, though.

I miss my family. I'm scared to spend 2 major holidays away from ALL of them. Just typing that out is making me tear up. I can't wait 'til things settle down around here and I can take a trip to Kansas City.

I really, really just want to meet someone "special". I hate that saying, but you know.

book review: Leftovers by Laura Weiss

i've been wanting to read this book for a couple of years now. i finally got my hands on a copy a few months ago from paperbackswap. lately, i've had no intentions of reading it... but after a failed attempt at going to lovEvolution in SF, i was home alone in an apartment that was not my own. so i looked through the books available to me and found this. i read most of the book's 256 pages in one day.

the back of the book reads, "Blair and Ardith are best friends who have committed an unforgivable act in the name of love and justice. But in order to understand what could drive two young women to such extreme measures, first you'll have to understand why. You'll have to listen as they describe parents who are alternately absent and smothering, classmates who mock and shun anyone different, and young men who are allowed to hurt and dominate without consequence. You will have to learn what it's like to be a teenage girl who locks her bedroom door at night, who has been written off by the adults around her as damaged goods. A girl who has no one to trust except the one person she's forbidden to see. You'll have to understand what it's really like to be forgotten and abandoned in America today. Are you ready?"

i was ready. and i was pretty into the storyline through most of the novel. i really enjoyed the way the story was written where the girls told their story to someone (though not the reader). typically, the girls both change as the plot moves forward. i think once the girls really began to change is when i started to dislike the story. i think most people may enjoy this book because it speaks to the teenagers in america today, or whatever. but i'm so tired of storylines like this, where girls are helpless and/or when they do take charge of their own life they do something STUPID. yes, the caps is necessary.

i'm no good at reviewing books, but overall i disliked the book. i actually came close to throwing it across the room once i finished it. i felt sick by what the story resulted in, and was mad that this shit was supposed to represent a large group of people. for once, i'd love to read a book where a teenager just learns to suck it up, and cope with emotions in a healthy way! hell, maybe i just missed the point of the whole novel. who knows. either way, i am not giving weiss' other novel a try.

2/5 stars.

currently loving:

- the commute for school (surprisingly)
- rachel and zena's new apartment/duplex
- the anticipation for tegan and sara's new album
- having a lock on my door
- cute andro eye-candy in my color and design class
- chevelle (i think every year i go through an "omg, i love chevelle" phase.)
- the idea of my new tattoo/starting my half sleeve
- being utterly happy despite everything that has happened
- my class schedule this semester (one class a day, two days a week.. and some online courses)
- my industrial is completely healed. like completely, completely. ha.
- possibly getting my nose pierced?

i feel an incredible change brewing. i can't express how excited i am about life right now. i am so amped for my parents and brother and their new journey to kansas city. as sad as i was at first, i'm just so unbelievably happy for them now. they leave tomorrowwwww! i'm also thrilled to have met rachel and zena's new roommate, grace. we talked for a bit while rachel and zena were out, and she seems so awesome. i love that their apartment is going to be like a second home for me. a lot of stressful shit has happened in the last month.. beginning with the bullshit from a 'friend' and ending with me driving kevin's car around the corner (literally) and taking a turn too soon and fucking up 2 of his rims and tires. but it's officially october, and i think i'm ready for anything at this point.