On missing friends:

I am sitting alone in my apartment right now.. and I miss everyone. Everyone. I miss people I don't even like. I miss a friend who is only going to be gone for a couple of days. I miss old best friends. I miss a girl who still has a bit of my heart even after these past few years. I miss a specific person's laugh, and how when I heard it the other night... I remembered all those silly little jokes we had.

I am so surprised that it's still so, so hard for me to let go of things. My whole life, all I've done is grow apart from old friends, move away, push myself away.. and yet, I still cannot handle it when it happens. I always react the same way too, like I don't care. Usually at the time, I don't care... but months later it hits me. I am reminded of the way things used to be before friendships changed. I am reminded of why they were such a big part of my life to begin with. It's so hard to accept that sometimes things do change in the blink of an eye.

I do miss a lot, yes. But I do not wish to ever go back in time, or lose what I have now. I am so unbelievably thankful for the friends I have right now, and I hope I continue to work at them, and keep them going for as long as humanly possible. Hands down, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. November has been such a great month, and I only hope it continues. I firmly believe that all of the shitty stuff that has been happening in '09 is all for good reason; I am being challenged regularly because of it. I will not let any of it keep me down, though.

Half Sleeve

I want to start my half sleeve so bad! I'm starting to get ansy just thinking about it. So far, I know I want to start it off with the Starry Night sky on my shoulder bone, and I want it to wrap around to a bit of the back and front of my shoulder. Other ideas I know I want to incorporate: a sugar skull, a cupcake, and a curvy pinup girl. I'd also like to get a matching tattoo with my brothers incorporated into it... assuming they would be down for that. Oooooh, and I kind of want to think of a small little image for each good friend (who has made an impact on me). I have so many ideas that I've started a 'HALF SLEEVE INSPO' folder to collect images on my laptop.

I love talking about tattoos in general. Last night, I scoured the internet helping Zena find an image of a mermaid that she liked, and we discussed placement, etc. And then this morning, Rachel and I were talking about our sleeves. She wants a full sleeve full of a lot of text, which I'm super curious to see how that turns out once she starts it and adds to it. I'm excited to see my friend's bodies fill up with ink, as well as my own.

My body is my temple, which is why I desecrate it with art.

fuck yeah

“ Because being a hot fat girl is a lot of work and is undervalued or unrecognized.
Because a fat girl still has to pay more money for uglier clothes or spend 11 hours at the thrift store to find anything hot to wear.
Because if you take the elevator people think you’re lazy but if you’re on the treadmill people laugh.
Because men like John Goodman and Bernie Mac get to have careers on television but sitcom moms of three still have size-two waists.
Because even feminist magazines publish fat-phobic articles under the guise of it being a “health issue.”
Because anti-capitalist activists still use expressions like “fat capitalist pig.”
Because girls are dieting at the age of nine.
Because side effects of the most popular diet drugs are seizures, heart failure, fecal urgency, breast cancer, lung disease, insomnia, nausea and vomiting, dangerously high blood pressure, abnormal heartbeat, psychosis, strokes, hallucinations and sudden death.
Because the Cooper Institute’s ongoing study of 30,000 people has found that those who are fittest live the longest, no matter what they weigh.
Because the doctor who said that there were 30,000 “obesity-related” deaths each year received over $2 million in research funding from Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers.
Because that study prompted the FDA to approve Phen-Phen and Redux.
Because fat hatred is a money-making industry.
Because fat people who exercise live longer than thin people who don’t.
Because if you lose weight ’cause you’re sick people tell you how great you look.
Because hatred is so ingrained in every single one of us, especially inside the heart of even the hottest fat girl.
Because even the most progressive people don’t talk or write about it.
Because I am tired of being ignored, invisible, de-sexualized and told that I have such a pretty face.
Because it’s not fat that kills, it’s fear of fat.
For all that and more I am a part of the HOT FAT GIRL REVOLUTION!

-The Hot Fat Girl Manifesto by Zoe Whittall

Things you would never guess about me:

1. I'm a bit scared of touching people, or being too close to them, physically. I rarely am the first to give hugs for this reason. (This doesn't apply to people I've known a while, though)
2. I have this weird habit of making fun of my friend's traits that I really love.
3. I am anal retentive about a lot of things, I just don't always choose to say something about it. Color and Design has been fun/easy because of this.
4. I have no need to put on deodarent daily.. my pits don't sweat much at all.
5. I am a hopeless romantic, but I don't use the word love lightly.
6. I have a really bad temper but I know how to handle it extremely well.
7. My worst habit is biting my lips. I've done it for so long now. My mom used to tell me when I was little that it would make my lips big (hoping I would stop). So, I did it more. And now, it's just second nature for me.
8. There is a lot that I don't tell people. I give out little bits of information here and there. Getting to know me is a process, I guess.
9. I am extremely observant and pay attention to nearly everything.
10. I can tell you a lot about a person's personality with 20 minutes of meeting/talking with them.

I'm gonna wait 'til the sun chases the moon away

I've already found a place to live come January! I'm so excited. Ever since my first move up here to SF, I have minimized my belongings tremendously. And I plan on minimizing it even more before I move out of Kevin's. I'm selling all of my furniture, except for my desk and mattress. I'm also strongly considering getting rid of most of my movies. At the very least, I will put my movies back in the cd case they were in, and throw out all of the cases. I think I'm going to do the same with the few cd's I have left. I just really don't need any more boxes to be lugging around the bay area.

My friends and I are planning a trip to Montreal over spring break. Rather than spend my first paycheck on Tegan and Sara tickets.. I'm going to save it for the nearly $700 plane tickets. I just think it would be an amazing experience to have. If Montreal proves to be too expensive (since it's on the east coast), we're going to Vancouver. I really hope we can do Montreal though, 'cus it's near Vermont.. and Nina said she would meet us there. So far, there are about 5 girls saying they're going for sure, and two on the 'maybe' list. This means I have to renew my passport NOW.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I really, really hope I don't have to spend it alone. I think at this point, no matter what my work schedule is, I will find time to commute to Rachel's and have a dinner with everyone. I know I will feel like shit if I'm just sitting alone in Kevin's apartment. I'm excited for stuffing, though! I'm assuming I'll eat some.. somehow. Christmas is nearing, and the city is preparing for it. There are already decorations along Market, and the Christmas tree is up in Union Square. I can't wait 'til they set up the ice rink so I can go skating! I love the feeling of Christmas.. if only it snowed here.

I'm also starting to write for the next issue of my zine. I made a few copies (of my last issue) the other day to send out for trades, and I can't wait to "update" my readers with my life. It's so funny to read my last issue and think of exactly how much has changed. I think overall, I have grown a lot in the past few months. I've realized many, many things about myself that I guess I was sort of oblivious to before.

hear me roar

I really wish I could double major in Women's Studies! Too bad my school is strictly art related. Although, I'm going to try and take a course at the local community college over summer. I hear so many things about women's studies majors, I'm just curious to go check it out for myself. Rachel said, "No, don't do it! If you turn into a crazy feminist.. I will not be friends with you!" Love all the support ;)

I have been thinking a lot about gender and sexuality issues lately. I had this pretty intense talk with Rachel about my own sexuality, today. I talked about how disgusted I am with the bi-phobia I see and hear regularly. And honestly, I don't even feel like bisexual is a word that accurately describes me in any way. I use it as a simple way of saying, "Hey I like chicks and dudes." But even then, it's nowhere near simple. I dislike that my sexual orientation is brought up almost every time I meet someone new. I guess that's because I hang out with nothing but lesbians/queers.. and since I don't "look gay" they feel the need to ask. We also chatted about since most of my friends are out and loud about their sexuality.. they don't understand why I am not so loud about it. I have no problem with being out, and I will tell anyone that asks.. I just don't like it being the topic of conversation. If that makes sense.

I have been playing around with my options lately. I have been questioning everything that has been put in front of my eyes, to see. There is a lot going on in my mind lately, and no one has really taken the time to ask about it. I've been asking so many questions, to try and gather more information about people as a whole. I've always been so into individualizing things, and separating my ideas from the norm... but for once, I want to explore the 'norm' and see if it's what it's all cracked up to be. I'm addicted to new knowledge about topics that my family nor my friends discuss much. I'm really enjoying myself.

I am a woman, hear me roar.