I'm going to stop using this for a while.

"It's okay to fall down," she said.

I think I am getting too caught up in my own thoughts, emotions, problems, etc. I have never felt so weak as I do right now at this moment. I wish I still had my journal to help sort out my shit, but I can't even trust writing in a journal anymore. I hate that I let someone affect that decision, too.

The thing that I want the most for myself, right now, is completely unattainable. I'm letting that affect the rest of my life, like school, in ways that I shouldn't be. It's just so hard when you have this feeling that you want to scream out and let out of your chest, but you can't. I feel like I am always sitting on the sidelines of everything. I am constantly under pressure trying to keep up with my classmate's seemingly endless amount of inspiration/creativity. I no longer have hobbies of my own, everything I do.. I do with (or because of) someone else. I am afraid to be alone. Hm. Yes, I'm terrified of losing anyone else. I'm scared that these amazing people I have met here in SF won't always be here. I'm scared of a lot, I guess. Yes, actually.. A LOT. I found this on Tumblr the other day and it nearly made me cry.

"I used to be afraid of so many things… that I’d never grow up, that I’d be trapped in the same place for all eternity, that my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. It’s true what they say, time plays tricks on you. One day you’re dreaming, the next you dream has become your reality. And now that the scared little girl no longer follows me everywhere I go, I miss her. I do. Because there are things I want to tell her… to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be okay. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you - will become an increasingly rare occurrence."

I don't know what's going on anymore. The weather is supposedly beautiful out today, but all the curtains are drawn and our heater is still running even though I'm burning up. I want to fly a kite at Dolores right now, but I can't because I feel like a vegetable due to how much alcohol I consumed last night. Recalling how much I drank is disgusting. I'm giving up alcohol for a month. I need to focus on other things, like my mental health.

“Individual rights are not subject to a public vote; a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority; the political function of rights is precisely to protect minorities from oppression by majorities (and the smallest minority on earth is the individual).” — Ayn Rand

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this quote. It sums up my reasoning as to why gay marriage shouldn't be something to vote on.

You, Yes, You.

we are just misguided ghosts

Some weeks I can make my money really last that I actually surprise myself. Other weeks, I feel like I haven't bought much, but my empty pockets show me otherwise. I need a steady income again.

For some odd reason, no one on Craigslist wants to buy my DS. I think it's because I'm actually trying to sell it for a decent price (as in, I wouldn't lose hella money). I just re-listed it again today for cheaper than I have been.. hopefully it works. I'm also thinking of selling my typewriter as well as various dvd's/books that I no longer need. Not only am I tired of clutter, but I want the extra cash. I'm really a huge believer in treating myself every now and then. I did that today, but I fear I may have spent too much money in doing so. I don't regret it, though. The next time I really plan to treat myself will be around my birthday.. but 'tis a secret. :)

I have been obsessed with 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver lately. I know I'm super late on that bandwagon, but it's fitting to my mood lately. Speaking of my mood... I have been feeling weird about life lately. It's not negative or positive, just weird. Mostly, I have a lot of questions that can't be answered. I am alive with feeling, and blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Fuck college, and this whole "discovering yourself" nonsense. It's so exhausting to think about how much I thought I knew about myself back in Elsinore compared to now. I'm not the only one who feels this way either.

I feel like a nomad, like I have no real home. Quite honestly, I think this is a root to most of my current issues. 'Cus whenever I'm really worried about something, it always leads back to the idea of 'home'. I can't have letters sent to my address in my own name, and I can't sign up for a PO Box, 'cus I am not on a lease. I have no idea how to renew my license when I have no 'home' address (see the previous points to answer any logical idea you might have had to solve this issue). I can't go 'home' to southern California because there is no 'home' for me there. Missouri is not my home, but that is where my idea of home is at (my family).

On a lighter note.. there is this amazing thing going on. I wish I could share, or at least give hints.. but I cannot. I have yet to share this with anyone, not even my closest friend. I think it's fucked up that I can't tell anyone, but at the same time... it feels so nice to see and feel what I do. Um.. okay, this might be giving you the wrong idea. Hahaha. All in all, I just hope I can do better, and actually make something come out of this. Sorry if that just made you more curious rather than let you move on. I am happy. I am loving life, I just wish I could shut my brain off sometimes and focus better.

I'm inside of you, and this is your world

This song isn't the same without Chauntae fist pumping next to you, I swear. However, it's a good remix. Not like I've heard the original track, but stilllllllllllll.

I've been thinking about my religious beliefs today. Between a guy talking about "real" Christians killing homosexuals, and reading a part of my book where a religious girl's beliefs are a subject of bullying... I am curious about my own beliefs. What do I believe in? I also often wonder how I would choose to raise my kids, as far as religion goes. I am extremely grateful for my parents raising me Catholic, and sending me to a Catholic school when I was younger. It was a great basis to my foundation, however, it also put a bad taste in my mouth about religion. Religion is not something I typically discuss with my friends, probably because of what a sensitive subject it is. I think out of everyone, I have talked to Zena about it the most. Probably because she is the only openly Christian friend of mine. Which then reminds me how much I admire homosexuals that still have strong religious beliefs, and openly discuss them. I sometimes feel like that's a giant "FUCK YOU" to all Christians who believe that homosexuality is a sin. But I don't know how to back up that argument, so I'll just leave it at that. I have no idea where I am going with this topic. It's just a bunch of thoughts that have been on my mind. Basically, I am considering looking for a local church and attending mass one day. Or maybe I will just take time out of my day to reflect on my religious/spiritual beliefs. I am still a huge believer that God does not alter my life in any way, shape, or form... but I also believe I need to say a little 'thank you' to whatever it is that is greater than me.

Another thing I have been thinking about is how motherly I am. I am basically known as the mom of my group of friends. Even when I am filthy drunk, I always manage to take care of others, and make sure if they're sick that their hair is tied back, or that they have a bucket near their bed, etc, etc. I am the one left to deal with the "stragglers" of people who won't go home, and I either find them a place to sleep on the floor, or I kindly look up their bus and tell them when to head out. Surprisingly, I have never been offended by this. A friend told me, "as long as you don't worry like a mom -- I don't see a problem with you being the mom of the group." I definitely don't worry about people as if they were my child.. cus I am NOT their mom. I also dislike cleaning up after people as if they are my children. Honestly, I think about children on a regular basis. I look forward to having a family someday, and I wish it could come a lot sooner than it probably will.

Also, my shyness has been a good topic of conversation recently. Apparently, my dad and brothers seem to think I am still extremely shy (or so my mom says). Which is super funny, because I am not! I am still shy to some extent, like I would rather be punched in the arm then approach some cute person. However, I am not shy to tell someone how I feel, or to speak my mind, or just say what needs to be said. I am known for telling it like it is, and a lot of my friends come to me because of this. I'm pretty sure my dad and brothers think I am so shy because I don't speak up during their political conversations (which is all they seem to talk about when I am around) and honestly, it's because I don't care. I do not like discussing politics with anyone, even people who may have the same belief as I. I realize it's an important part of life, and I should pay more attention to it, but mannnnn, I really dislike it. ESPECIALLY, because my family disagrees with most of my political beliefs. I have no desire to argue about something like that, ESPECIALLY with them. They are my family, and I'd rather not get heated and upset over whether they believe I should have the right to marry someone I love, or anything political like that. Simply because I take things such as gay marriage personally... and I've often cried to myself thinking about how well... yeah, my family doesn't think I should have the right to marry someone I love. So anyway, I'd rather stay quiet and just listen to what they have to say then sit there and argue. Also, I see no point in talking about politics with them because I'm not trying to change their mind, or get them to see it my way. I respect their opinions, even if sometimes I think they are rediculous. I'm also pretty terrible at explaining myself verbally, and get tongue tied or have mental freezes and nothing comes out how I'd like. So, once again, I'd rather just stay quiet. Sure, this isn't very radical of me, and I'm clearly not cut out to be an activist. I am not trying to be either of those things, though, so I guess that too, doesn't matter. I'm not in this world to please anyone but myself, and I guess that's why I don't care so much about speaking up about every single thing I believe in. Maybe this will change in a couple of years, maybe not.

This is probably the longest blog entry I've written thus far, and I'm glad. Classes are good so far, I am confident that I will do well this semester. I'm ending this entry with another video, because I am addicted to this song just as much as the first one I posted. HOV knows w'sup. And uhhhh, the director (whoever he/she is) is amazing and I visually orgasm over this video.

Sweet disposition, never too soon..

I feel like this song was destined to be in a movie. 500 Days of Summer is not the movie I imagine when I hear this song, but it's close.

I think I am at a good place in my life. Sure, I've been having some emotional meltdowns (whether people actually notice this or not is a different story), but overall I am doing well. School starts Monday and I'm thrilled. My major's department changed buildings and my commute is now cut in half. I am excited to see familiar faces in some of my classes, and I hope to actually make friends with these people. Sometimes I forget that I have to network while in school! Hahaha.

I have been trying to start a new issue of my zine for months now. I have a template set up, and the first few pages are done but I am displeased with them. Out of the five pages I've done, I want to keep one! I have been trying to figure out what has been keeping me from sitting down and working on it, and nothing comes to mind. Mostly, I think it's because I have been overindulging in booze, food and excessive hangouts. When times does slow down, I'm so worn out that I sit in bed all day browsing the web. I need something to kick me in the ass and get going. By no means do I want to force writing a new issue for my zine, but I just wish I could have a fire lit under my ass. On my last issue, Taylor really helped inspire a lot that I wrote, and encouraged me to finish it. (I wonder if I ever told her that?) It's too bad we're not friends anymore, 'cus I could use that right about now.

I have a lot to write about; Maybe I should just write about my day-to-day musings of my college life. Honestly, I think I hang out with some of the funniest people ever, and if I could quote them for 46 pages of a zine, I would. Hmmm. Instead of trying to psychoanalyze myself, and new beliefs I have acquired, maybe I should just chill the fuck out and write whatever comes naturally. I can't believe I am even suggesting this to myself... isn't it common sense?

I am selling my DS, against my better judgement. I need money, and I don't need a DS right now. Ya hear? Also, I am considering selling my novel collection and purchasing a Kindle, or any e-reader. I am so sick and tired of owning things. That feels weird to say. But honestly, I think I would be so happy right now if I was living as minimally as possible. Okay, new goal for 2010: minimize my life.

this is the way, this is the way i want it to be

I have these amazing feelings inside of me. For once, I am unsure of how to release them. Every time I try writing, I get so caught up in the happiness that I lose my concentration.

I don't know how to explain myself anymore. I get tongue tied even while talking about something as simple as my own political opinion. I slur my words every time I talk about a specific person. I also tend to laugh nervously every time someone mentions how I "need to meet a girl."

I don't want to be in this place, where I can't express the little world inside of me. The things I want to share with you. But at the same time, I love being on this level. I am so indescribably happy even though I can't have what I want, because I can't say what I feel. Cheers.

(I plan to start working more on writing for a new issue of my zine. I'd also like to start doing something creatively, with my hands, so I can show off the fruits of my laborous love.)