You, Yes, You.

we are just misguided ghosts

Some weeks I can make my money really last that I actually surprise myself. Other weeks, I feel like I haven't bought much, but my empty pockets show me otherwise. I need a steady income again.

For some odd reason, no one on Craigslist wants to buy my DS. I think it's because I'm actually trying to sell it for a decent price (as in, I wouldn't lose hella money). I just re-listed it again today for cheaper than I have been.. hopefully it works. I'm also thinking of selling my typewriter as well as various dvd's/books that I no longer need. Not only am I tired of clutter, but I want the extra cash. I'm really a huge believer in treating myself every now and then. I did that today, but I fear I may have spent too much money in doing so. I don't regret it, though. The next time I really plan to treat myself will be around my birthday.. but 'tis a secret. :)

I have been obsessed with 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver lately. I know I'm super late on that bandwagon, but it's fitting to my mood lately. Speaking of my mood... I have been feeling weird about life lately. It's not negative or positive, just weird. Mostly, I have a lot of questions that can't be answered. I am alive with feeling, and blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Fuck college, and this whole "discovering yourself" nonsense. It's so exhausting to think about how much I thought I knew about myself back in Elsinore compared to now. I'm not the only one who feels this way either.

I feel like a nomad, like I have no real home. Quite honestly, I think this is a root to most of my current issues. 'Cus whenever I'm really worried about something, it always leads back to the idea of 'home'. I can't have letters sent to my address in my own name, and I can't sign up for a PO Box, 'cus I am not on a lease. I have no idea how to renew my license when I have no 'home' address (see the previous points to answer any logical idea you might have had to solve this issue). I can't go 'home' to southern California because there is no 'home' for me there. Missouri is not my home, but that is where my idea of home is at (my family).

On a lighter note.. there is this amazing thing going on. I wish I could share, or at least give hints.. but I cannot. I have yet to share this with anyone, not even my closest friend. I think it's fucked up that I can't tell anyone, but at the same time... it feels so nice to see and feel what I do. Um.. okay, this might be giving you the wrong idea. Hahaha. All in all, I just hope I can do better, and actually make something come out of this. Sorry if that just made you more curious rather than let you move on. I am happy. I am loving life, I just wish I could shut my brain off sometimes and focus better.

I'm inside of you, and this is your world

This song isn't the same without Chauntae fist pumping next to you, I swear. However, it's a good remix. Not like I've heard the original track, but stilllllllllllll.

I've been thinking about my religious beliefs today. Between a guy talking about "real" Christians killing homosexuals, and reading a part of my book where a religious girl's beliefs are a subject of bullying... I am curious about my own beliefs. What do I believe in? I also often wonder how I would choose to raise my kids, as far as religion goes. I am extremely grateful for my parents raising me Catholic, and sending me to a Catholic school when I was younger. It was a great basis to my foundation, however, it also put a bad taste in my mouth about religion. Religion is not something I typically discuss with my friends, probably because of what a sensitive subject it is. I think out of everyone, I have talked to Zena about it the most. Probably because she is the only openly Christian friend of mine. Which then reminds me how much I admire homosexuals that still have strong religious beliefs, and openly discuss them. I sometimes feel like that's a giant "FUCK YOU" to all Christians who believe that homosexuality is a sin. But I don't know how to back up that argument, so I'll just leave it at that. I have no idea where I am going with this topic. It's just a bunch of thoughts that have been on my mind. Basically, I am considering looking for a local church and attending mass one day. Or maybe I will just take time out of my day to reflect on my religious/spiritual beliefs. I am still a huge believer that God does not alter my life in any way, shape, or form... but I also believe I need to say a little 'thank you' to whatever it is that is greater than me.

Another thing I have been thinking about is how motherly I am. I am basically known as the mom of my group of friends. Even when I am filthy drunk, I always manage to take care of others, and make sure if they're sick that their hair is tied back, or that they have a bucket near their bed, etc, etc. I am the one left to deal with the "stragglers" of people who won't go home, and I either find them a place to sleep on the floor, or I kindly look up their bus and tell them when to head out. Surprisingly, I have never been offended by this. A friend told me, "as long as you don't worry like a mom -- I don't see a problem with you being the mom of the group." I definitely don't worry about people as if they were my child.. cus I am NOT their mom. I also dislike cleaning up after people as if they are my children. Honestly, I think about children on a regular basis. I look forward to having a family someday, and I wish it could come a lot sooner than it probably will.

Also, my shyness has been a good topic of conversation recently. Apparently, my dad and brothers seem to think I am still extremely shy (or so my mom says). Which is super funny, because I am not! I am still shy to some extent, like I would rather be punched in the arm then approach some cute person. However, I am not shy to tell someone how I feel, or to speak my mind, or just say what needs to be said. I am known for telling it like it is, and a lot of my friends come to me because of this. I'm pretty sure my dad and brothers think I am so shy because I don't speak up during their political conversations (which is all they seem to talk about when I am around) and honestly, it's because I don't care. I do not like discussing politics with anyone, even people who may have the same belief as I. I realize it's an important part of life, and I should pay more attention to it, but mannnnn, I really dislike it. ESPECIALLY, because my family disagrees with most of my political beliefs. I have no desire to argue about something like that, ESPECIALLY with them. They are my family, and I'd rather not get heated and upset over whether they believe I should have the right to marry someone I love, or anything political like that. Simply because I take things such as gay marriage personally... and I've often cried to myself thinking about how well... yeah, my family doesn't think I should have the right to marry someone I love. So anyway, I'd rather stay quiet and just listen to what they have to say then sit there and argue. Also, I see no point in talking about politics with them because I'm not trying to change their mind, or get them to see it my way. I respect their opinions, even if sometimes I think they are rediculous. I'm also pretty terrible at explaining myself verbally, and get tongue tied or have mental freezes and nothing comes out how I'd like. So, once again, I'd rather just stay quiet. Sure, this isn't very radical of me, and I'm clearly not cut out to be an activist. I am not trying to be either of those things, though, so I guess that too, doesn't matter. I'm not in this world to please anyone but myself, and I guess that's why I don't care so much about speaking up about every single thing I believe in. Maybe this will change in a couple of years, maybe not.

This is probably the longest blog entry I've written thus far, and I'm glad. Classes are good so far, I am confident that I will do well this semester. I'm ending this entry with another video, because I am addicted to this song just as much as the first one I posted. HOV knows w'sup. And uhhhh, the director (whoever he/she is) is amazing and I visually orgasm over this video.