I think I am getting too caught up in my own thoughts, emotions, problems, etc. I have never felt so weak as I do right now at this moment. I wish I still had my journal to help sort out my shit, but I can't even trust writing in a journal anymore. I hate that I let someone affect that decision, too.
The thing that I want the most for myself, right now, is completely unattainable. I'm letting that affect the rest of my life, like school, in ways that I shouldn't be. It's just so hard when you have this feeling that you want to scream out and let out of your chest, but you can't. I feel like I am always sitting on the sidelines of everything. I am constantly under pressure trying to keep up with my classmate's seemingly endless amount of inspiration/creativity. I no longer have hobbies of my own, everything I do.. I do with (or because of) someone else. I am afraid to be alone. Hm. Yes, I'm terrified of losing anyone else. I'm scared that these amazing people I have met here in SF won't always be here. I'm scared of a lot, I guess. Yes, actually.. A LOT. I found this on Tumblr the other day and it nearly made me cry.
"I used to be afraid of so many things… that I’d never grow up, that I’d be trapped in the same place for all eternity, that my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. It’s true what they say, time plays tricks on you. One day you’re dreaming, the next you dream has become your reality. And now that the scared little girl no longer follows me everywhere I go, I miss her. I do. Because there are things I want to tell her… to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be okay. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you - will become an increasingly rare occurrence."
I don't know what's going on anymore. The weather is supposedly beautiful out today, but all the curtains are drawn and our heater is still running even though I'm burning up. I want to fly a kite at Dolores right now, but I can't because I feel like a vegetable due to how much alcohol I consumed last night. Recalling how much I drank is disgusting. I'm giving up alcohol for a month. I need to focus on other things, like my mental health.
I can understand your fear, but there are two things I can offer that may help (Lord knows they helped me out when I was younger).
ReplyDelete1. "You're too much brains and not enough balls" - I've heard this saying told a dozen different ways. It's basically saying that you think / analyze too much instead of just getting out there and "doing it".
2. "If you focus on tomorrow, you'll miss today" - This is an "EMO" sounding bullshit one that sounds like something you'd be into (haha), but it's true. It's good to have goals, and to look to tomorrow to know where you're going, but if you stare off into the distance too much you'll completely miss what is going on right now.
Wake up man, sounds like you're sleeping through life!