i tell tales tall as cliffs

2010-03-23T01:20:00.001-07:00

I'm going to stop using this for a while.

"It's okay to fall down," she said.

2010-03-14T14:54:00.001-07:00

I think I am getting too caught up in my own thoughts, emotions, problems, etc. I have never felt so weak as I do right now at this moment. I wish I still had my journal to help sort out my shit, but I can't even trust writing in a journal anymore. I hate that I let someone affect that decision, too.

The thing that I want the most for myself, right now, is completely unattainable. I'm letting that affect the rest of my life, like school, in ways that I shouldn't be. It's just so hard when you have this feeling that you want to scream out and let out of your chest, but you can't. I feel like I am always sitting on the sidelines of everything. I am constantly under pressure trying to keep up with my classmate's seemingly endless amount of inspiration/creativity. I no longer have hobbies of my own, everything I do.. I do with (or because of) someone else. I am afraid to be alone. Hm. Yes, I'm terrified of losing anyone else. I'm scared that these amazing people I have met here in SF won't always be here. I'm scared of a lot, I guess. Yes, actually.. A LOT. I found this on Tumblr the other day and it nearly made me cry.

"I used to be afraid of so many things… that I’d never grow up, that I’d be trapped in the same place for all eternity, that my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. It’s true what they say, time plays tricks on you. One day you’re dreaming, the next you dream has become your reality. And now that the scared little girl no longer follows me everywhere I go, I miss her. I do. Because there are things I want to tell her… to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be okay. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you - will become an increasingly rare occurrence."

I don't know what's going on anymore. The weather is supposedly beautiful out today, but all the curtains are drawn and our heater is still running even though I'm burning up. I want to fly a kite at Dolores right now, but I can't because I feel like a vegetable due to how much alcohol I consumed last night. Recalling how much I drank is disgusting. I'm giving up alcohol for a month. I need to focus on other things, like my mental health.

2010-03-10T15:41:00.000-08:00

“Individual rights are not subject to a public vote; a majority has no right to vote away the rights of a minority; the political function of rights is precisely to protect minorities from oppression by majorities (and the smallest minority on earth is the individual).” — Ayn Rand

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this quote. It sums up my reasoning as to why gay marriage shouldn't be something to vote on.

You, Yes, You.

2010-02-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

we are just misguided ghosts

2010-02-20T21:05:00.000-08:00

Some weeks I can make my money really last that I actually surprise myself. Other weeks, I feel like I haven't bought much, but my empty pockets show me otherwise. I need a steady income again.

For some odd reason, no one on Craigslist wants to buy my DS. I think it's because I'm actually trying to sell it for a decent price (as in, I wouldn't lose hella money). I just re-listed it again today for cheaper than I have been.. hopefully it works. I'm also thinking of selling my typewriter as well as various dvd's/books that I no longer need. Not only am I tired of clutter, but I want the extra cash. I'm really a huge believer in treating myself every now and then. I did that today, but I fear I may have spent too much money in doing so. I don't regret it, though. The next time I really plan to treat myself will be around my birthday.. but 'tis a secret. :)

I have been obsessed with 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver lately. I know I'm super late on that bandwagon, but it's fitting to my mood lately. Speaking of my mood... I have been feeling weird about life lately. It's not negative or positive, just weird. Mostly, I have a lot of questions that can't be answered. I am alive with feeling, and blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Fuck college, and this whole "discovering yourself" nonsense. It's so exhausting to think about how much I thought I knew about myself back in Elsinore compared to now. I'm not the only one who feels this way either.

I feel like a nomad, like I have no real home. Quite honestly, I think this is a root to most of my current issues. 'Cus whenever I'm really worried about something, it always leads back to the idea of 'home'. I can't have letters sent to my address in my own name, and I can't sign up for a PO Box, 'cus I am not on a lease. I have no idea how to renew my license when I have no 'home' address (see the previous points to answer any logical idea you might have had to solve this issue). I can't go 'home' to southern California because there is no 'home' for me there. Missouri is not my home, but that is where my idea of home is at (my family).

On a lighter note.. there is this amazing thing going on. I wish I could share, or at least give hints.. but I cannot. I have yet to share this with anyone, not even my closest friend. I think it's fucked up that I can't tell anyone, but at the same time... it feels so nice to see and feel what I do. Um.. okay, this might be giving you the wrong idea. Hahaha. All in all, I just hope I can do better, and actually make something come out of this. Sorry if that just made you more curious rather than let you move on. I am happy. I am loving life, I just wish I could shut my brain off sometimes and focus better.

I'm inside of you, and this is your world

2010-02-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

This song isn't the same without Chauntae fist pumping next to you, I swear. However, it's a good remix. Not like I've heard the original track, but stilllllllllllll.

I've been thinking about my religious beliefs today. Between a guy talking about "real" Christians killing homosexuals, and reading a part of my book where a religious girl's beliefs are a subject of bullying... I am curious about my own beliefs. What do I believe in? I also often wonder how I would choose to raise my kids, as far as religion goes. I am extremely grateful for my parents raising me Catholic, and sending me to a Catholic school when I was younger. It was a great basis to my foundation, however, it also put a bad taste in my mouth about religion. Religion is not something I typically discuss with my friends, probably because of what a sensitive subject it is. I think out of everyone, I have talked to Zena about it the most. Probably because she is the only openly Christian friend of mine. Which then reminds me how much I admire homosexuals that still have strong religious beliefs, and openly discuss them. I sometimes feel like that's a giant "FUCK YOU" to all Christians who believe that homosexuality is a sin. But I don't know how to back up that argument, so I'll just leave it at that. I have no idea where I am going with this topic. It's just a bunch of thoughts that have been on my mind. Basically, I am considering looking for a local church and attending mass one day. Or maybe I will just take time out of my day to reflect on my religious/spiritual beliefs. I am still a huge believer that God does not alter my life in any way, shape, or form... but I also believe I need to say a little 'thank you' to whatever it is that is greater than me.

Another thing I have been thinking about is how motherly I am. I am basically known as the mom of my group of friends. Even when I am filthy drunk, I always manage to take care of others, and make sure if they're sick that their hair is tied back, or that they have a bucket near their bed, etc, etc. I am the one left to deal with the "stragglers" of people who won't go home, and I either find them a place to sleep on the floor, or I kindly look up their bus and tell them when to head out. Surprisingly, I have never been offended by this. A friend told me, "as long as you don't worry like a mom -- I don't see a problem with you being the mom of the group." I definitely don't worry about people as if they were my child.. cus I am NOT their mom. I also dislike cleaning up after people as if they are my children. Honestly, I think about children on a regular basis. I look forward to having a family someday, and I wish it could come a lot sooner than it probably will.

Also, my shyness has been a good topic of conversation recently. Apparently, my dad and brothers seem to think I am still extremely shy (or so my mom says). Which is super funny, because I am not! I am still shy to some extent, like I would rather be punched in the arm then approach some cute person. However, I am not shy to tell someone how I feel, or to speak my mind, or just say what needs to be said. I am known for telling it like it is, and a lot of my friends come to me because of this. I'm pretty sure my dad and brothers think I am so shy because I don't speak up during their political conversations (which is all they seem to talk about when I am around) and honestly, it's because I don't care. I do not like discussing politics with anyone, even people who may have the same belief as I. I realize it's an important part of life, and I should pay more attention to it, but mannnnn, I really dislike it. ESPECIALLY, because my family disagrees with most of my political beliefs. I have no desire to argue about something like that, ESPECIALLY with them. They are my family, and I'd rather not get heated and upset over whether they believe I should have the right to marry someone I love, or anything political like that. Simply because I take things such as gay marriage personally... and I've often cried to myself thinking about how well... yeah, my family doesn't think I should have the right to marry someone I love. So anyway, I'd rather stay quiet and just listen to what they have to say then sit there and argue. Also, I see no point in talking about politics with them because I'm not trying to change their mind, or get them to see it my way. I respect their opinions, even if sometimes I think they are rediculous. I'm also pretty terrible at explaining myself verbally, and get tongue tied or have mental freezes and nothing comes out how I'd like. So, once again, I'd rather just stay quiet. Sure, this isn't very radical of me, and I'm clearly not cut out to be an activist. I am not trying to be either of those things, though, so I guess that too, doesn't matter. I'm not in this world to please anyone but myself, and I guess that's why I don't care so much about speaking up about every single thing I believe in. Maybe this will change in a couple of years, maybe not.

This is probably the longest blog entry I've written thus far, and I'm glad. Classes are good so far, I am confident that I will do well this semester. I'm ending this entry with another video, because I am addicted to this song just as much as the first one I posted. HOV knows w'sup. And uhhhh, the director (whoever he/she is) is amazing and I visually orgasm over this video.

Sweet disposition, never too soon..

2010-01-29T20:09:00.000-08:00

I feel like this song was destined to be in a movie. 500 Days of Summer is not the movie I imagine when I hear this song, but it's close.

I think I am at a good place in my life. Sure, I've been having some emotional meltdowns (whether people actually notice this or not is a different story), but overall I am doing well. School starts Monday and I'm thrilled. My major's department changed buildings and my commute is now cut in half. I am excited to see familiar faces in some of my classes, and I hope to actually make friends with these people. Sometimes I forget that I have to network while in school! Hahaha.

I have been trying to start a new issue of my zine for months now. I have a template set up, and the first few pages are done but I am displeased with them. Out of the five pages I've done, I want to keep one! I have been trying to figure out what has been keeping me from sitting down and working on it, and nothing comes to mind. Mostly, I think it's because I have been overindulging in booze, food and excessive hangouts. When times does slow down, I'm so worn out that I sit in bed all day browsing the web. I need something to kick me in the ass and get going. By no means do I want to force writing a new issue for my zine, but I just wish I could have a fire lit under my ass. On my last issue, Taylor really helped inspire a lot that I wrote, and encouraged me to finish it. (I wonder if I ever told her that?) It's too bad we're not friends anymore, 'cus I could use that right about now.

I have a lot to write about; Maybe I should just write about my day-to-day musings of my college life. Honestly, I think I hang out with some of the funniest people ever, and if I could quote them for 46 pages of a zine, I would. Hmmm. Instead of trying to psychoanalyze myself, and new beliefs I have acquired, maybe I should just chill the fuck out and write whatever comes naturally. I can't believe I am even suggesting this to myself... isn't it common sense?

I am selling my DS, against my better judgement. I need money, and I don't need a DS right now. Ya hear? Also, I am considering selling my novel collection and purchasing a Kindle, or any e-reader. I am so sick and tired of owning things. That feels weird to say. But honestly, I think I would be so happy right now if I was living as minimally as possible. Okay, new goal for 2010: minimize my life.

this is the way, this is the way i want it to be

2010-01-18T02:00:00.000-08:00

I have these amazing feelings inside of me. For once, I am unsure of how to release them. Every time I try writing, I get so caught up in the happiness that I lose my concentration.

I don't know how to explain myself anymore. I get tongue tied even while talking about something as simple as my own political opinion. I slur my words every time I talk about a specific person. I also tend to laugh nervously every time someone mentions how I "need to meet a girl."

I don't want to be in this place, where I can't express the little world inside of me. The things I want to share with you. But at the same time, I love being on this level. I am so indescribably happy even though I can't have what I want, because I can't say what I feel. Cheers.

(I plan to start working more on writing for a new issue of my zine. I'd also like to start doing something creatively, with my hands, so I can show off the fruits of my laborous love.)

I get lost in instrumental music

2009-12-22T01:49:00.000-08:00

Amazing.

I'm moving again on Sunday. Tomorrow is my only day off (aside from Christmas) 'til then, so I plan on packing up most of my room. I'm hoping to also head to my storage unit and grab some boxes to go through, but we'll see what time permits. I'm crossing my fingers that this will be the last time I move until September/October '10.

I feel lonely a lot lately.

Spring '10 classes

2009-12-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

-Mondays: 830am-250pm Design of the Built Environment A
(soooo excited to have an actual design class after 2 semesters without one)
-Wednesdays: 12pm-620pm Building Construction
(ughhhdsdjsdkskdsd. more drafting...)
-Thursdays: 12pm-620pm Color Rendering Techniques
(have a feeling this will kick my ass, but I'm excited to improve my rendering skills)
-Online: Narrative Storytelling
(SO EXCITED!)

I have 3 six hour classes! D: Last Spring, I had 2 six hour classes and wanted to kill myself! Hahaha hopefully since I won't be in the dorms, and not going through such weird shit, I'll be able to handle it a lot better.

Well...

2009-12-13T23:05:00.001-08:00

The only way I can forgive you is if you apologize (and talk to me) first. Jussayin'.

are you alright, can you get me off your mind?

2009-12-02T21:59:00.000-08:00

Words cannot express how much I love this cover. I think it's a hundred times better than the original. Dan's vocals with Tegan's in the background sound so great together. I kind of wish they could do a side project, I would be all over that.

I have this vision, which I know sounds dumb, of how I want my social life to be. But everything is keeping me from letting it happen. There are so many words I want to (and possibly NEED to) say, but I have very little trust left inside of me. Sad thing is, no one I currently talk to did anything to not have my trust. I'm fighting to overcome it, but it's so hard. I was ripped open and read like a book, quite literally. It's pretty tough to try and get back up from that one. Little by little. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

On missing friends:

2009-11-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

I am sitting alone in my apartment right now.. and I miss everyone. Everyone. I miss people I don't even like. I miss a friend who is only going to be gone for a couple of days. I miss old best friends. I miss a girl who still has a bit of my heart even after these past few years. I miss a specific person's laugh, and how when I heard it the other night... I remembered all those silly little jokes we had.

I am so surprised that it's still so, so hard for me to let go of things. My whole life, all I've done is grow apart from old friends, move away, push myself away.. and yet, I still cannot handle it when it happens. I always react the same way too, like I don't care. Usually at the time, I don't care... but months later it hits me. I am reminded of the way things used to be before friendships changed. I am reminded of why they were such a big part of my life to begin with. It's so hard to accept that sometimes things do change in the blink of an eye.

I do miss a lot, yes. But I do not wish to ever go back in time, or lose what I have now. I am so unbelievably thankful for the friends I have right now, and I hope I continue to work at them, and keep them going for as long as humanly possible. Hands down, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. November has been such a great month, and I only hope it continues. I firmly believe that all of the shitty stuff that has been happening in '09 is all for good reason; I am being challenged regularly because of it. I will not let any of it keep me down, though.

Half Sleeve

2009-11-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

I want to start my half sleeve so bad! I'm starting to get ansy just thinking about it. So far, I know I want to start it off with the Starry Night sky on my shoulder bone, and I want it to wrap around to a bit of the back and front of my shoulder. Other ideas I know I want to incorporate: a sugar skull, a cupcake, and a curvy pinup girl. I'd also like to get a matching tattoo with my brothers incorporated into it... assuming they would be down for that. Oooooh, and I kind of want to think of a small little image for each good friend (who has made an impact on me). I have so many ideas that I've started a 'HALF SLEEVE INSPO' folder to collect images on my laptop.

I love talking about tattoos in general. Last night, I scoured the internet helping Zena find an image of a mermaid that she liked, and we discussed placement, etc. And then this morning, Rachel and I were talking about our sleeves. She wants a full sleeve full of a lot of text, which I'm super curious to see how that turns out once she starts it and adds to it. I'm excited to see my friend's bodies fill up with ink, as well as my own.

My body is my temple, which is why I desecrate it with art.

fuck yeah

2009-11-13T01:19:00.001-08:00

“ Because being a hot fat girl is a lot of work and is undervalued or unrecognized.
Because a fat girl still has to pay more money for uglier clothes or spend 11 hours at the thrift store to find anything hot to wear.
Because if you take the elevator people think you’re lazy but if you’re on the treadmill people laugh.
Because men like John Goodman and Bernie Mac get to have careers on television but sitcom moms of three still have size-two waists.
Because even feminist magazines publish fat-phobic articles under the guise of it being a “health issue.”
Because anti-capitalist activists still use expressions like “fat capitalist pig.”
Because girls are dieting at the age of nine.
Because side effects of the most popular diet drugs are seizures, heart failure, fecal urgency, breast cancer, lung disease, insomnia, nausea and vomiting, dangerously high blood pressure, abnormal heartbeat, psychosis, strokes, hallucinations and sudden death.
Because the Cooper Institute’s ongoing study of 30,000 people has found that those who are fittest live the longest, no matter what they weigh.
Because the doctor who said that there were 30,000 “obesity-related” deaths each year received over $2 million in research funding from Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers.
Because that study prompted the FDA to approve Phen-Phen and Redux.
Because fat hatred is a money-making industry.
Because fat people who exercise live longer than thin people who don’t.
Because if you lose weight ’cause you’re sick people tell you how great you look.
Because hatred is so ingrained in every single one of us, especially inside the heart of even the hottest fat girl.
Because even the most progressive people don’t talk or write about it.
Because I am tired of being ignored, invisible, de-sexualized and told that I have such a pretty face.
Because it’s not fat that kills, it’s fear of fat.
For all that and more I am a part of the HOT FAT GIRL REVOLUTION!

-The Hot Fat Girl Manifesto by Zoe Whittall

Things you would never guess about me:

2009-11-12T12:46:00.000-08:00

1. I'm a bit scared of touching people, or being too close to them, physically. I rarely am the first to give hugs for this reason. (This doesn't apply to people I've known a while, though)
2. I have this weird habit of making fun of my friend's traits that I really love.
3. I am anal retentive about a lot of things, I just don't always choose to say something about it. Color and Design has been fun/easy because of this.
4. I have no need to put on deodarent daily.. my pits don't sweat much at all.
5. I am a hopeless romantic, but I don't use the word love lightly.
6. I have a really bad temper but I know how to handle it extremely well.
7. My worst habit is biting my lips. I've done it for so long now. My mom used to tell me when I was little that it would make my lips big (hoping I would stop). So, I did it more. And now, it's just second nature for me.
8. There is a lot that I don't tell people. I give out little bits of information here and there. Getting to know me is a process, I guess.
9. I am extremely observant and pay attention to nearly everything.
10. I can tell you a lot about a person's personality with 20 minutes of meeting/talking with them.

I'm gonna wait 'til the sun chases the moon away

2009-11-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

I've already found a place to live come January! I'm so excited. Ever since my first move up here to SF, I have minimized my belongings tremendously. And I plan on minimizing it even more before I move out of Kevin's. I'm selling all of my furniture, except for my desk and mattress. I'm also strongly considering getting rid of most of my movies. At the very least, I will put my movies back in the cd case they were in, and throw out all of the cases. I think I'm going to do the same with the few cd's I have left. I just really don't need any more boxes to be lugging around the bay area.

My friends and I are planning a trip to Montreal over spring break. Rather than spend my first paycheck on Tegan and Sara tickets.. I'm going to save it for the nearly $700 plane tickets. I just think it would be an amazing experience to have. If Montreal proves to be too expensive (since it's on the east coast), we're going to Vancouver. I really hope we can do Montreal though, 'cus it's near Vermont.. and Nina said she would meet us there. So far, there are about 5 girls saying they're going for sure, and two on the 'maybe' list. This means I have to renew my passport NOW.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I really, really hope I don't have to spend it alone. I think at this point, no matter what my work schedule is, I will find time to commute to Rachel's and have a dinner with everyone. I know I will feel like shit if I'm just sitting alone in Kevin's apartment. I'm excited for stuffing, though! I'm assuming I'll eat some.. somehow. Christmas is nearing, and the city is preparing for it. There are already decorations along Market, and the Christmas tree is up in Union Square. I can't wait 'til they set up the ice rink so I can go skating! I love the feeling of Christmas.. if only it snowed here.

I'm also starting to write for the next issue of my zine. I made a few copies (of my last issue) the other day to send out for trades, and I can't wait to "update" my readers with my life. It's so funny to read my last issue and think of exactly how much has changed. I think overall, I have grown a lot in the past few months. I've realized many, many things about myself that I guess I was sort of oblivious to before.

hear me roar

2009-11-04T00:10:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could double major in Women's Studies! Too bad my school is strictly art related. Although, I'm going to try and take a course at the local community college over summer. I hear so many things about women's studies majors, I'm just curious to go check it out for myself. Rachel said, "No, don't do it! If you turn into a crazy feminist.. I will not be friends with you!" Love all the support ;)

I have been thinking a lot about gender and sexuality issues lately. I had this pretty intense talk with Rachel about my own sexuality, today. I talked about how disgusted I am with the bi-phobia I see and hear regularly. And honestly, I don't even feel like bisexual is a word that accurately describes me in any way. I use it as a simple way of saying, "Hey I like chicks and dudes." But even then, it's nowhere near simple. I dislike that my sexual orientation is brought up almost every time I meet someone new. I guess that's because I hang out with nothing but lesbians/queers.. and since I don't "look gay" they feel the need to ask. We also chatted about since most of my friends are out and loud about their sexuality.. they don't understand why I am not so loud about it. I have no problem with being out, and I will tell anyone that asks.. I just don't like it being the topic of conversation. If that makes sense.

I have been playing around with my options lately. I have been questioning everything that has been put in front of my eyes, to see. There is a lot going on in my mind lately, and no one has really taken the time to ask about it. I've been asking so many questions, to try and gather more information about people as a whole. I've always been so into individualizing things, and separating my ideas from the norm... but for once, I want to explore the 'norm' and see if it's what it's all cracked up to be. I'm addicted to new knowledge about topics that my family nor my friends discuss much. I'm really enjoying myself.

I am a woman, hear me roar.

once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand

2009-10-31T01:57:00.000-07:00

I have a fear of fat-phobia. Seriously. It bothers and offends me to no end when others are afraid of overweight people. It worries me that even a good friend of mine can make such an obscene statement as, "oh no, she's ruined... she's fat!" and points to a girl who is probably a size 8 at the biggest. It makes me wonder what she, or others who feel the same, think about me. But I don't care what they, you, her, or him think.

You know, it's not even about being overweight. Some women are just naturally big. I can attest to this myself.. considering all my life I have always been "the fat girl" even though I didn't actually start becoming fat until junior year of high school. I have a round face, I have wide hips, I have thicker thighs... this does not make me 'fat'. Even if I was a size 8, I would still have all of these qualities, it is who I am... how I was built. I love my body's shape, and the curves I have. Sure, I have fat and I am overweight.. and I dislike it. However, it doesn't stop me from loving myself any less. But it's a bit rough when everyone else is trying to use it as an excuse to love me less.

I'm not trying to sound like a victim, because I'm not. There isn't a bone in my body that feels victimized.. because I am the only one in control of how I feel about myself. I just wish society didn't push such strict body image ideals into our brains. I'd really love to work with young girls, and teach them about having self-confidence that doesn't reflect upon what others think of them. There are too many surgeries that occur trying to sculpt the "perfect" body. There are too many girls starving themselves (or regurgitating) just to be 'thin'.

While physical attraction is definitely always the first thing you notice about a person, I don't think it should be such an important factor on what you think about the person. Most of the people I have ever had 'crushes' on were not people I immediately felt attracted to. I am sincerely more interested in a person's personality than anything else. I wish more people my age felt the same!

Overall, I think people also need to learn to find more beauty within themselves. A person's personality has more to it than their skin color, hair, eye color, height, weight, or their style of clothing. There is more depth to a human being than anything your own eye can see. As you age, your body is constantly changing.. and no one is ever promised the same looks. Would you still love someone if their body was burnt entirely in a freak accident?

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand"- The Velveteen Rabbit

2009-10-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

So, I've been thinking about the idea of normal, and what's natural. I just don't see how either can have a true definition. I'm so tired of hearing people's reasoning behind their beliefs. Well, not tired.. 'cus I still enjoy hearing it, but it's all the same. I don't understand why anyone would ever have the desire to fit into a cookie cutter mold of, anything. I don't want to be your poster girl. All I'm really interested in is being me, all of the time. I'm sure, deep down, that is everyone's desire. But sometimes I wonder how hard people try to really discover who they are.

would you become my queen?

2009-10-25T23:06:00.001-07:00

“Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you overdramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important onces. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to… No matter how it comes out, I have to write it.” - Sylvia Plath

I write to get ideas, feelings, observations off my chest, and to try and make sense of them. I don't expect anyone to ever understand what I'm trying to convey, cus really.. I'm the only one who could truly understand. I exaggerate, a lot, in my writing. I also usually don't make sense, or express exactly what I'm trying to say. But I don't think that's anyone's place to really judge. I don't write for you, I write for me. I let you read it, because I want you to gain a different understanding of who I am. I am always changing, and you should never expect something I wrote a week ago to be exactly the same now. I am letting you in, and you have no right to punish me for that.

I am constantly crumbling, and building myself back up lately. My heart feels like playdoh. Honestly, I really enjoy the feeling. I am constantly on my toes. My heart has been playing games with my head lately, but I also don't mind this. I'm just confused about a lot in my life right now. I expect this is a normal feeling for someone my age. The only thing I am certain of.. is my career path. I've been joking around with Zena, saying, "forget interior design, I'll just become your assistant" (she's a photography major). I've been helping her every now and then with her shoots, and it's actually pretty fun. Definitely not as fun as interior design, though.

I miss my family. I'm scared to spend 2 major holidays away from ALL of them. Just typing that out is making me tear up. I can't wait 'til things settle down around here and I can take a trip to Kansas City.

I really, really just want to meet someone "special". I hate that saying, but you know.

book review: Leftovers by Laura Weiss

2009-10-17T00:42:00.000-07:00

i've been wanting to read this book for a couple of years now. i finally got my hands on a copy a few months ago from paperbackswap. lately, i've had no intentions of reading it... but after a failed attempt at going to lovEvolution in SF, i was home alone in an apartment that was not my own. so i looked through the books available to me and found this. i read most of the book's 256 pages in one day.

the back of the book reads, "Blair and Ardith are best friends who have committed an unforgivable act in the name of love and justice. But in order to understand what could drive two young women to such extreme measures, first you'll have to understand why. You'll have to listen as they describe parents who are alternately absent and smothering, classmates who mock and shun anyone different, and young men who are allowed to hurt and dominate without consequence. You will have to learn what it's like to be a teenage girl who locks her bedroom door at night, who has been written off by the adults around her as damaged goods. A girl who has no one to trust except the one person she's forbidden to see. You'll have to understand what it's really like to be forgotten and abandoned in America today. Are you ready?"

i was ready. and i was pretty into the storyline through most of the novel. i really enjoyed the way the story was written where the girls told their story to someone (though not the reader). typically, the girls both change as the plot moves forward. i think once the girls really began to change is when i started to dislike the story. i think most people may enjoy this book because it speaks to the teenagers in america today, or whatever. but i'm so tired of storylines like this, where girls are helpless and/or when they do take charge of their own life they do something STUPID. yes, the caps is necessary.

i'm no good at reviewing books, but overall i disliked the book. i actually came close to throwing it across the room once i finished it. i felt sick by what the story resulted in, and was mad that this shit was supposed to represent a large group of people. for once, i'd love to read a book where a teenager just learns to suck it up, and cope with emotions in a healthy way! hell, maybe i just missed the point of the whole novel. who knows. either way, i am not giving weiss' other novel a try.

2/5 stars.

currently loving:

2009-10-01T02:05:00.000-07:00

- the commute for school (surprisingly)
- rachel and zena's new apartment/duplex
- the anticipation for tegan and sara's new album
- having a lock on my door
- cute andro eye-candy in my color and design class
- chevelle (i think every year i go through an "omg, i love chevelle" phase.)
- the idea of my new tattoo/starting my half sleeve
- being utterly happy despite everything that has happened
- my class schedule this semester (one class a day, two days a week.. and some online courses)
- my industrial is completely healed. like completely, completely. ha.
- possibly getting my nose pierced?

i feel an incredible change brewing. i can't express how excited i am about life right now. i am so amped for my parents and brother and their new journey to kansas city. as sad as i was at first, i'm just so unbelievably happy for them now. they leave tomorrowwwww! i'm also thrilled to have met rachel and zena's new roommate, grace. we talked for a bit while rachel and zena were out, and she seems so awesome. i love that their apartment is going to be like a second home for me. a lot of stressful shit has happened in the last month.. beginning with the bullshit from a 'friend' and ending with me driving kevin's car around the corner (literally) and taking a turn too soon and fucking up 2 of his rims and tires. but it's officially october, and i think i'm ready for anything at this point.

let's call it change.

2009-09-25T13:35:00.000-07:00

i have never moved/packed so much as i have in the past year. i'm moving out of my apartment tomorrow. part of me is excited simply because i'm going to have my own room. another part is going to miss living in the city. especially my nightly walks with the skyscrapers guiding me home. i won't be 3 blocks from my thinking spot in the embarcadero anymore, but it's all going to work out for the best. i'll be in the city at the beginning of each week, and i even have a second home here. i'll also be saving money!

i started watching the new season of the biggest loser. there is a girl on there who reminds me of myself.. she is also roughly around my own weight, and has a similar body shape. she also used to play sports, and says she feels like everyone tells her, "you're so pretty, but ......" as cheesy as this sounds, i want to use her journey on the show as inspiration to help me continue to lose weight. i have lost quite a bit of weight since '09 started.. it just keeps being redistributed oddly, so it doesn't actually look like it. all of my pants fit looser, my peacoat that wouldn't button all the way can now button! the scale says i've lost 25 pounds, roughly. the number seems bigger than what it actually feels like, but i wouldn't doubt if i've gained a lot of muscle because of all this walking i've done over summer.

fuck yeah, fall!

why should i have to try and fix things i didn't create or contrive?

2009-09-23T00:43:00.000-07:00

i am a huge nerd. today, while walking home from my color and design class i started listening to the rocket summer. it's been a while since i've listened to him (them?), but i still feel so happy/cheery when i hear bryce singing. after writing this on my hand, i proceeded to "decorate" zena's box of cigarettes by coloring it completely black and drawing an outfit on the camel. i love simple pleasures.

i have been completely overwhelmed with stress, and it feels good to chill at rachel and zena's place without having to worry about doing homework, packing, or anything.. really. their cat just made us all laugh hysterically. qt'z.

marbles -- bushy wushy, joe, marbs -- 1994-2009

2009-09-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

i can't fathom the idea of going to kansas city for christmas and staying in a new home... without marbles. i never imagined it would hurt this bad when he died. i swear to god, it feels like i lost a brother. all i've done all day is medicate my headaches that i keep getting from crying, and looking at pictures of him. if that's not 'emo' i don't know what is. and i think it sucks even more 'cus i haven't seen him since march. it's hard not to be so attached to a cat i've had since i was five.

a new start, for a new mindset

2009-09-15T02:19:00.000-07:00

i deleted all of my entries. i wanted to avoid ever having to do that.. but i kind of set myself up for it. all of my entries since april.. gone. no backup, no going back.

i'm so unbelievably glad i did it, though. i'm starting new, and changing the way things work here. my first year of being in san francisco has been a fucking whirlwind. it started out slow, but gained so much momentum that i didn't know how to handle it. and now, it's died down and left it's mess here. don't confuse the issue, though.. I am not the mess, just the situation. but i've let go of it, i've set it free. i have no desire to hold onto dead things.

i'm so glad to be leaving the city. as much as it will suck to have to commute via bart to get here for school, and the few friends i have.. it's going to be worth it, mentally. i need the escape. there is so much i need to do for myself. i'm hoping this semester is as challenging as i think it will be. i want to pour my heart, soul, and energy into it. i want to explore myself more. feminism is something i definitely am going to be reading up on. ah, feminism. for the longest time, i associated feminism with those radical women who were man-hating, angry, and hairy. because they seem to be the picture on the cereal box for feminists. at least, in my life they were. but oh my god... i am such a feminist! that sentence sounds so trite. anyway, i fucking love being a woman. and honestly, i dig the challenges women have to face because of their sex. however, what i don't dig is the unrealistic body image ideals that society puts on today's women. a lot of my self-image has changed completely because of these ideals. i used to think that bigger boobs meant being sexier. HA! i used to cry thinking about how i can't find a belt because my hips are so wide. but fuck it man, i joke about that all the time now. not to say i want to stay overweight merely for the pleasure of saying my hips are HUGE. but, i know i have to do something to change it (which i am), and until then, i might as well accept that my buttcrack will be making a lot of guest appearances in your day.

belt, or no belt, i really appreciate the woman that i am. i find strength in knowing that i don't need a significant other to define my own happiness. i don't need to make out with a ton of people just to feel like i am 'wanted'. i probably have the least amount of "experience" in that field than anyone i know. i. don't. fucking. care. so, shoot me. i have my education... my mind to worry about right now. i'm growing into "adult kelley" and i need to take care of her, give her water to let her grow. i joked around with sascha the other night that i was going to email my parents and brothers to sarcastically thank them for preparing me for my teenage years. so much, in fact, that i have done only like 25% of what most teenagers have (sex, drugs and rock 'n roll). it doesn't really bother me, because i am confident in all of the decisions i have made up until now.. but it's just funny to think about. i think it should prove to my parents that i really do listen, even if my immediate actions don't prove it.

i feel good about the general parts of me, but i want to work on the details. i need to work on my political opinions. i hate talking about politics, but i guess it's a part of being a grown up, haha. i have my opinions already, but i want to be more confident in my reasons for believing what i do. i need to work on spreading the idea of self-love to more girls and women, no matter what their age. i'm shunning the excuse of, "it's because i'm fat" from my mind. i want to learn more, and soak up everything i can. someday, i want to be trilingual.. maybe even quadlingual (is that how you say it?). i think most importantly, i want to learn how to express my feelings for family and friends. i leave so much unsaid sometimes, and it's unfortunate. i see the best in people, but i don't always express it to them. i feel like i let myself ramble, and that nothing is actually concluded with this. maybe next time...

"i am a rock, i am an iiiiiiisland." sing it, simon and garfunkel.